

Book juK.X JPJ<? 



Author 



Imprint 



I 8l^> 



16—27179-1 GPO 



N0I1VAH3S3*M 



__mbastes Furioso, 



A TRAGIC 



IN ONE ACT, 



Now Performing imth unbounded applause at the 

THEATRE-ROYAL. 



DUBtm s 

PRINTJSd MX IT* TYRRELL, k% COLLEGE-GREEK, 
1*1*. 






BRAMATIS PEBSONiE. 



AnTjLxmn^ss- fl&n& <tf J$op£a}„„„*.Mr* "WILLIAMS, 
Fusbos ( Minister of State J....**., .„ ~*Mr. W* FARKEI^ 
First Courtier. **,.♦.*•.. ~*...^»..r...Mr* SLOMAN* 
Seconbt €chtktiej^.»..™.*.».*.^....»..Miv BURGESS* 
General. BaMBAS?fES...»»>^.«„*». 9 .., e ^.Mr» MIJNDEN. 

jLMSTAPFIKA' ••*♦«• »^e-»et8«e »?»*»»*«w« •»*+•»•* JX^UTSr wvJvJAtJ&ar 



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Bombastes Furioso ; 

A BURLESQUE TRAGIC OPERA; 

Sfc. Sfc Sfd 



SCENE I.— Grand Chamber. 

Table, Chairs, a Cowl, Glasses^ Decanters, Pipes, && 

Artaxomines seated, Courtiers waiting on each side* 

TRIO— Tekeli. 

1 st Court. WJiat will your Majesty please to 'wear ? 

Or Blue, Green, Red, Black, White or Branson? 
2d Court* Uye choose to look at the Bill of Fare F 
Artax. Get out of my sight, or III knock you down. 
2d Court. Here's Soup^ Fish, or Goose, or Thick, or Fowl, 
or Pidgeon, Pig or Hare. [Brown* 

1 st Court. Or Blue, Green, or Red) or Black; or White, or 

Jiliat will your Majesty, $c. 
2d Court* D'ye choose to look, $r* 
Artax. Get out of my sight b fyc* [Ea. Courtiers; 

Enter Fusbos — kneels to the King. 

Fus. Hail, Artaxomines ! } r clept the Great ! 
I come, an humble pillar of the state, 
Pregnant with news — but ere that news I tell, 
First let me hope your Majesty is well. 

Art. Rise, learned Fusbos ! rise, iny Friend, and knotf 
We are but middling— that is, but so so. 

Fus. Only so so? O monstrous, doleful thing! 
Is it the Mulligrubs affects the King ? 
Or, dropping Poisons in the Cup of Joy, 
Do the Blue Devils your repose annoy ? 
Yes, I perceive it in that vacant eye, 
The vest unbuttoned, and the wig awry; 

B 



So sickly Cats neglect their far attire, 
And sit, and mope beside the kitchen fire. 

Art. Last night, when ?undisturb'd by state affairs, 
Moist'ning our clay, and puffing off our cares, 
Oft the replenish'd Goblet did we drain, 
And duank and smok'd, and smok'dand drank again: 
Such was the case, our very action such, 
Until at length, we got a drop too much : 
But the fresh Bowl each sick'ning pain subdues, 
Then sit, my Fusbos, sit, and teil the news. 

Fus. General Bombastes, whose resistless force 
Alone exceeds by far a Brewer's horse, 
Returns victorious, bringing mines of wealth. t 

Art. Does he by Jingo ? then we'll drink his health,, 

Fife and Drum. 
But hark ! with loud acclaim the Fife and Drum, 
Announce the army near; behold, they come. 

Enter a little Drumme.1, six foot Fifer, Two 'Soldiers and 
General Bombastes. 

'Bom. Meet me this Ev'rting at the Barley-Mow; (to Sol. 
I'll bring you pay; you see I'm busy now; 
Begone, brave army — don't kick up a row. 

[Exit Army. 

(to Artax.) Thrash'd are our Foes — this watch and silken- 

[string, 
Worn by their chief, I as a trophy bring, 
I knock'd him down, then snatch'd it from his fob, 
" Watch, watch !" he cried, when I had done tbejdb; 
" My watch is gone," says he — says I, just so, 
v Stop where you are, watches were made to go. f * 

[JBombastes kneels; the King leaves his seat, breaks a pipe 
over the General' s head^ return $o his seat, ,cmd- then pre- 
sents the Bowl. 

Art. For which we make you Duke of Strombello ; 

From our own Bowl here drink, my Soldier tru«, 
And if you'd like to take a whiff or two, 
He -whose brave arm hath made our Foes k) orouch 5 
Shall have a pipe from this our royal pouch. 

BoM e Honours so great have all my toils repaid! 

My Liege and Fusbos ? here's, "success. to trade." 



FuSr Well said, Bombastes! sin Ge thy mighty blows 
Have given a quietus to our Foes, 
Now shall our Farmers gather in their crops, 
And busy Tradesmen mind their crowded shops; 
The deadly havoc of war's hatchet cease;' 
Now shall we smoke the calumet of peace,. , 

Art. I shall smoke short-cut, you smoke what you please* 

Bom. Whate'er your Majesty shall deign to nan;), 
Short-cut or long, to me is all the same. 

Fus. & "> In short, so long as Wa your favors claim, 

Bor>;. y Short-cut or long, to us is all the same. 

Art. Thanks, gen'rous Friends ! now list while I impart 
How firm you're lock'd and bolted in my hear^ 
So long as this here pouch a_pipe contains, 
Or a full glass in that there Bowl remains, 
To you an equal portion shall belong ; 
This do I swear, and now — let's have a song. 

Fus* My Liege shall be obey'd — 

Bom* Fusbos, give place, 

You know you hav'nt got a singing face; 
Here Nature smiling gave the winning- grace. 

SONG, Bombastes — Hope told a flat? ring tale, 

Hope tcld ajlattering talc. 

Much longer than my arm, 
That love and pots of ale 

In peace won' d keep me Warm? 
The flatterer is not gone, 

She visits number one * 
In love I'm six feet deep f 

Love, odsbobs ! disturbs my sleep. 

Hope told a flattering tale, 

Lest love should soon grots) cool, • 
A tub thrown to a Whale, 

To make theflsh a fool? 
Should Distqjfina frown, 

Then Hope's gone out of town, 
■And when love's dream is o'er 

Then We wake and dream no more, 

{Exit Bombastes — the King seems dejected* 



JTug, What ails my Liege? O ! why that look so sad ? 
jAftT. I am in love ! I scorch ! I freeze, I'm mad ! 

tell me, Fusbos, first and best of Friends, 
You who have wisdom at your fingers' ends, 
Shall it be so, or shaJl it not be so? 

Shall I my Griskinissa's charms forego? 
^Compel her to give up the regal chair, 
And place the rosy Distaflma there ? 
In such a case what course can I pursue? 
| love my Queen and Distaftina too. 
Fus. And would a King his General supplant? 

1 can't advise, upon my soul I can't. 

4-KT. So when two feasts whereat there's nought to pay 
Fall unpropitious on the self same day, 
The anxious Cit each invitation views> 
And ponders which to take or which refuse ; 
From this or that to keep away is loth, 
And sighs to think he cannot dine at both, [.&/V, 

]Fus, So when some school-boy on a rainy day 

pinds all his play-mates will no longer stay, 

fie takes the hint Jnmself, and walks away. [Exit 

SCENE IL—A Wood: 
Enter Artaxomin$:s« 

4-RT. I'll seek the Maid I love, tho' in my way, 
A dozen Generals stood in fierce array ! 
Such rosy beauties Nature meant for Kings; 
Subjects have treat enough to see such things. 

SONG— Faddy aCarroll, 

My love is so pretty. 
So lively and witty, 
J^one in town ore in city. 

Her hand wou'd disgrace I 
My lord of the woolsack, 
His Coachman woiCd pull back, 
To get a look jull smack, 

At her pretty face. 
Mathematical iwchers, 
Stiff Methodist preachers, 
i all the gay creatures. 

Thai steal about toxm* 



Great foreign Ambassadors, 
Never can pass her doors, 
But my sweet lass deplores, 

So much renoipn* Hal, de, r.af. 

T/xwgh she drive a 'wheel-harrow, 
Through streets wide and narrow, 
The school-boys from Harrow, 

May laugh if they dare. 
Nor tasteful Grassini, 
Nor Bitlirigionini, 
Divine Cutalani, 

With her can compare. 
Nor head with a mitre, 
Nor Belcher the fighter 
Can find out a brighter 

Than my pretty maich 
Bat words are mere play-things, 
Neat trim holidaij-things, 
They cannot half say things, 

Enough for my love, Eat, de, rat, Sfc., 

She's young and she's tender, 
She's tall and she's slender, 
fas straight as a fender, 

From the top to the toe. 
Eyes like stars gliit'ring, 
Mouth always tittering, 
fingers to fit a ring, 

Ne'er were made so. 
Her head like a holly-bow'r, 
Cheeks like a Cauliflow'r, 
Nose like ajclly-tow'r, 

By the seaside. 
Then haste, O ye days and nights, 
That I may taste delights, 
And with church holy rites, 

Make rher my bride, Fal, de, rat, fyc. {Exit. 

SCENE IIL— Inside Cottage: 
Enter Bistaffina, 

DlS. This morn as sleeping in my bed I lay, 

I dreamt, (and morning dreams come true they say) 



I dreamt a tunning man my fortune told,- 
And soon the pots and pans were turh'd to goM t 
Then I resolv'd to cut a mighty dash % 
But lo ! : ere I cou'd turn them into cash, 
Another cunning man my heart betray'd, 
Stele all away, and left my debts unpaid.- 

HiJlter A'RTAXOMINES, 

Afid pray sir, who are you Fd wish to know? 
Art. Perfection's self !' O smooth that angry brow ! 
For love of thee I wander'd thro' the town, 
And here have come to offer half & Grown. 
DiS. Fellow ! your paltry offer I despise, 

The great Bombastes' love alone 1 prize. 
Art. He's but a Gen'ral, Damsel, I'm a King.- 
Dis. O Sir ! that maltes it quite another thing* 
Art. And think not, Maiden, I cou'd e'er design 

A sum so trifling for such charms as thine. 

No ! the half- Crown that ting'd.thy cheek with reaj 

Was meant that thou shou'dst share my throne and 
feflSl My dream is out', and I shall soon behold (bed. 

My pots and pans turn'd into shining, gold.- 
Art. Here on my knees, (those knees which ne'er till now 

To Man or Mnid in suppliance bent) I vow 

Still t$ rfemain 'till I your wishes meet, 

Fix'd as the Pillar high in Sackville-street; 
Dis. And thus I swear, as I bestow my hand, 

As long as e'er that Pillar firm shall stand* 

§6 long I'm your's 

Art. Are then my wishes crown'd ? 

Dis. La ! Sir, I'd not say " no" for twenty pound* 

Let hilly Maids for love their favours yield, 

Rich ones for me — the King against the field ! 

SONG, Distaffina — My name is little Harry-0$ 

Qjiieen Dido sate 

At her palace-gate^ 
A darning a hole in her stocking O, 

She sung as she drew 

The "worsted through^ 
Whilst her foot was the cradle rocking O* 

(For a babe she had 

By a soldier-la d< 



Though Hisfry passes it ever 0,j 
■" You tell-tale brat 3 
"I've been aflat, 
." Your daddy has pjovfl. la rfiper O." 

*£ What ft fool was I, 

& To be cozen' d by 
.-" A fell aw wt worth g penny ? 

" When rich ones came, 

" And ask',d tike same, 
" For I'd offers from ever so many -O, 

" But I'M dam my hose, 

c » s Look out for beaiLs, 
" And quickly get u new iover O, 

" So sing rum, ti, turn, 

•" And. come iads corae^ 
" Then a fg for JEneas the rover i}? 

Art. So Orpheus sung of old, or 3?oets lie, 

And .as the Brutes were.charm'd, e'en. so am I; 
Piosy-oheekld '$if §£& ! henceforth my only Queen, 
;Full soon shalt thou in royal Robes be -seen* 
And thro' the Realm I'll issue this decree, 
None shalt appear of taller 'growth than -thee.; 
Painters no , other face ponrtray— each .sign 
O'er ale-house hung shall change its head, for thine^ 
Poets shall cancel their unpublish'd lays, 
And none presume to write but in thy praise. 

[Distqffina opens closeUdoor, brings out a Naggin and Glass e 

Art. Were it the vilest liquor upon earth, 

Thy touch wou'd gender it of matchless worth; 
Dear shall the gift be held .thai comes from you: 
Best proof of love, ( drinks ) 'tis full proof Whiskey 
Thro' all my veins I feeLihe gejuiahglow, \J-°°? 

It warms my hearty- — 

Bom. ( without ) jjp ! .Distairlna, ho ! 

Art. Heard you, that Xpice? 

Dis. fO y^s, 'tisr—whaCs his name 3 

The Gen'rai— T-send him packing as he came. 

Art, And is it he ? and, doth be ^hither come ? 

Ah me! my guilty conscience strikes me dumb t 
{Where shall I go? say whither shall I fly? 
Hide me, oh "hide me from his injur d ejej 



10 

Dis. Why sure you're r*ot aiarm'd at such a tiling! 
He's but a General, and yoil're a King. 

\_King goes into Closet* 
Enter Bombastes. 

BDm. Lov'd Distafflna ! now by my scars I vow, 
Scars got — I haven't time to tell you how ; 
By ail the risks my fearless heart hath ruii*; 
Risks of all kinds, from bludgeon, sword or gun. 
By the great bunch of Laurels on my brow, 
Ne'er did thy charmss exceed their present glow: 

Q let me greet thee with a. loving kiss « 

tlell and the Devil! say who's hat is this? 

[ices' the King's hat} which he had thrown down when kneeling $ 

I) is* Why bless your silly brains ! that's not a hat. 

Bom. No hat ? — ' 

Dis* Suppose it was — pray what of that? 

A hat can do no harm without a head* 
Bom* Whoe'er it fits this hour I doom him dead ; 

Alive from hence the Caitiff shall not stir * 

[King comes forward*, 
Your most obedient, humble Servant, Sir. 
Art. O General, O ! — 
Bom* My mueh-lov'd Master, O !— 

Wliat means all this? 
Art. Indeed I hardly know — — » 

Dis. You hardly know ! a very pretty joke, 
If kingly promises so soon are broke ! 
Ar'nt I to be a Queen, and dress'd so fine ? 
Art. I do repent me of the foul design ; 

To thee my brave Bombastes I restore 
Pure Distafiina, and will never more 
Thro' Lane or Street with lawless passion rove* 
But give to Griskinnissa all my love. 
BoM. No, no, I'll love iio more ; let him who can 
Fancy the maid who fancies ev'ry man 
In some lone place I'll seek a gloomy cave 
There my own hands shall dig a spacious grave- 
Then all unseen I lay me down and die 
Since woman's constancy—is all my eye. 

[l]lirn Bom< is going Dis. takes hold of the skirt ofhis^oai 

to detain him* 



11 

TRIO— Oh Lady Fair/ 

Dis. O cruel man ! whence are you going? 

Sad are my wants, my rent, is owing. 
Bom. I go, I go, all comfort scorning, 

Some death I'll die before the morning. 
Dis. Heigh O, heigh O! sad is that warning, 

O do not die before the morning. 
Art. I'll follow him all danger scorning. 

He shall not die before the morning. 
Bom. I go, I go, $c. 
Dis. Heigh O, heigh Of %c. 
Art. F 11 follow him, fyc. 

[Exit Bom. dragging out Art. and Dm, 

SCENE IV.— A Wood: 
Enter Fusbos. 

Fus. This day is big with fate — just as I set 
My foot across the threshold, lo ! I me,t 
A man whose squint terrific struck my viewy 
Another came, and lo ! he squinted too ; 
And ere I reach'd the corner of the street, 
Seme ten short; paces, 'twas my lot to meet, 
A third who squinted more — a fourth, and he 
Squinted more vilely than the other three. 
Such portents met the eye when Caesar fell, 
But caution'd him in vain, and who can tell 
Whether those awful notices of fate 
Are meant for Kings, or Ministers of State:— 
For rich, or poor,' old, young, or short, or tall, 
The wrestler love trips up the heels of all. 

SONG — My lodging is on the cold, ground. 

My lodging is in Maiden T lane, 

A parlour thafs next to the sky i 
9 Tij$ expos' d to the wind and the rain, 

But the wind and the rain I defy: 
Such love warms the coldest of spots, " 

As I feel for Scrubinda the fair ; 
O she lives by the scouring of pots, 

fn Werburgh-sireet near Derbyrsquare. 



m 

# i&zs I quart, pint, or gill, 

To be scrubbed by her* delicate 7iana%t 

JL 0t others possess fwhai they mil 

Of learning and. houses and lands. 

JBtd ah ! shou'd she false-hearted ''prove,, 
'Suspended I'll dangle in air j, 

A victim to dglfcaU love,- 

In Werbufrgh-street ?iear Derby^square*- {Exit* 

'Enter Bgmbastes preceded r by a Fifer^ 

Som. Gentle Musician, let thy dulcet strain 

Proceed^ play Michael Wiggins* once again;— — 
Music's the food of love ! begone, give o*ei£ 
lor I- must batteri* en that* food no more. 
My happiness is chang'd to doleful dumps,, 
Whilst happy Michael, all thy cards were thumps * 
So shou'd some youth by fortune';*; bkst decrees^* 
Possess, at least a pound of Cheshire cheese/ 
And bent some favor'd party to regale,, 
Lay in a kilderkin, or so, ©f ale* 
Lo I angry fate, in one unlucky hoffrV 
Some hungry rats may all the cheese devour> 
And the loud, thunder turn the liquor sour.- 

[ffafigs his boots on a tret** 
Alas K atack ! alack f and well-a^d-ay^ 
That' e^er man should make himself away; 
Tnat ever man for woman false shou'd die r 
As many have, and^so^ and so won't i? 
Ko, I'll go mad ! 'gainst all I'll vent my rage. 
And with this wicked, wanton world, a/ woful way 
Fll wage. 

[JTa]ces a pCfClcet-hoolc i&rtte'S- thus, repeating r 
"Who dares this pair of boots displace,* 
* Must meet Bombastes face to face." 
Thus do I challenge all the human race* (retires* 

Enter Art £xWine£. 
Art. Scorning my proffer'd hand he frowning fle(T 

Curs'd the maid and. then shook his angry he#d. 

[sees the itoofcj 
Ha !* dost thou dare me vile obnoxious elf, 
I'll make thy threats &S- bootless as thyself* 



Where'er thou art with speed prepare to go 
Where H shall send thee — to the shades Mow, 

[knocks BegtsjAotyri^ 
Som, 'So f have lieard on Afric's burning ghore 
A hungry lion .give a grievous ^roar, 
The grievous roar echoed along the .shore* 
.Art. So "have 'I beard on Africls" burning , shore 
Another lion give a grievous roar, 
And the last lion thought the first a boar. 
Soivl .Ami then mocker? now by my fame J swear 

You soon shall lhaye it there. ^Th&j Fight* 

ArTc "WhereJ? 

Bom. 'There and there. 

Art. ITiave it sure enough, here's aihole 

You've let the day-light in upon, my sotij 
Yet e*re I die I something 'have to say, 
O my Bombastes ! prithee st.ep, this ^w^y, 
O, O, my Bom 'j£$HQ> 

3om* bastes be would have said | 

*But ere ?the -word was out his breath was fle(J e 
'Well peace be with him, his untimely doom, 
Shall thus be mark'd upon his cosily tomb. 
" Fate cropt him short — for be it understood, 

^He wo u'd^havejiv'donuchf longer if he qou'dr* 

Enter "Fusbos. 
Wm° 'This way, this way they came, and much I fear 
There's mischief in tbe wind— what 'have we here 
iKing Artaxomines bereft of life ! 
JHereril be a pretty tale to tell his, wife. 
tBoM, A pretty .tale, i but not for thee to tell-—^ 
♦For^hou^halt guickly follow him to hell* 
There say J. sent thee, p and jliiope he's welj 8 
&F.US. INo, thou Jhyself shalt thy own message bear, 
Short is 4he journey, thou wjlt f soon be there-*- 
And say 3 did thy .business to a hair. ( They Mghi* 
JBom, O Fusbos, JFusbos, I am diddled quite, (night! 
jDark dpuds comes o'er my eyes, .farewell, good 
Good Bight, my cock, my soul's inclined to roam* 
So make my compliments to all .^home! (Die^ 
*F:U%* And o'er thy grave & monument shall rise 

Where heroes yqt unborn shall feast their eyes 
Juid this ghort epitaph that speaks thy fame 



14 

Will also there immortalize my name — 

** Here lies Bombastes, stout of heart and limb ? 

Who conquer'd all but Fusbos — Fusbos him. 

Enter Distaffina. 

1)is. Ah ! wretched maid, O miserable fate ! 
I've just arrived in time to be too late, 
What now shall hapless Distaffina do ? 
Curse on all morning dreams they come so true. 

Fus. Go, beauty go, thou source of woe to man, 
And get another lover where you can. 
The Crown now sits on Griskinnissa's head- 
To her Til go. 

Dxs. But are ye sure they're dead ? 

Fus* Yes, dead as herrings, herrings that are red, 

FINALE— Bob and Joan. 

jDis. Briny tears I'll shed, 

Art. (rising J I for joy shall cry too; 

Fus. Zounds ! the Kings alive, 

Bom. (rising) Yes, and so am I too, 

Dis. It was better far, 

Art. Thus to check your sorrow ,- 

Fus. But if some folks please, 

Bom. We'll die again to-morrow 9 

Cho. Tu, ml) lu 9 ral, lu } $c» 




